Breathe In...Breathe Out

I am always amazed at the continual trials that are placed in my way.  Although my trials are great, I know that I have a loving Father in Heaven who will never give me anything that I cannot handle.  There are definite days when all I can do is breathe in and breathe out.  This week has been especially hard.  I try to keep a positive attitude in face of my trials and do all I can to see the blessings that I received behind the hard times.  Doing that is not always easy.  In fact, I don't always react the way I would hope I would.  With the coming of Landon's 6th birthday this past Monday, I wanted to do everything I could to not focus on myself...trying to do something for someone else so I could make his day positive.  I'm grateful for the opportunities I was given to make his day better by focusing on someone else besides myself.   

A friend of ours died a week ago.  I have been extremely sad by this.  I've tried to wrap my mind around this.  It's still not wrapped!  I keep wondering what I am suppose to learn from these trials.  I know that death is part of this life.  It just seems that I've had more than my fair share.  When I say that, the first thing to pop in my head is Job.  He lost EVERYTHING and never lost his faith.  I suppose my trials are not near as difficult as Job.  Thank goodness!!  

My friends funeral was yesterday and it was a wonderful tribute to her.  I can only hope that when the day comes people think and say such nice things about me.  She taught me a lot about service.  I can only hope to do better than I have done.  

Going along with the title of this post, I thought it would be good to give a great example of how often I say those 4 words!  Amelia is going through a phase where she freaks out over everything!  She is testing her limits...so I am continually telling her to just breathe in and out to calm her down.  So today, Amelia started freaking out and I looked at her and she said, "I know mommy, just breathe in and breathe out!"  I hope that over the years she will remember that and work toward rolling with the punches!  

Throughout my trials, I will keep breathing in and out...and stay grateful for the blessings I have been given!  

Prayer & Faith

So Rob and I were asked to speak for the VERY FIRST TIME a few weeks ago in Sacrament Meeting!  I know, it's nuts!!  So, I thought I'd put my talk on here for those of you who may be interested!!!

Faith & Prayer

I’m so excited to be speaking to you today and introducing our family!  To preface our introduction, Rob and I have been married for 10 years in June and this is the first time we have ever spoken in sacrament together and only my second time speaking period.  Brother Neidert called us on Friday night and I figured we have had 10 years to prepare for this talk even though it was short notice!  Bishop, Brother Niedert this is not an invitation for us to do it more often...just saying it so you can understand why I’m so excited to finally be introducing us!  I was a air force brat and moved around a lot when I was a kid.  I am the oldest of 5 kids and am closer to my youngest siblings since they live near here and I see them more often than the other two.  When I was twelve my parents divorced and we moved to St. Louis, MO.  It is my understanding that someone else in our ward is from St. Louis...find me afterward and we’ll chat!  I was in marching band and played the largest bass drum in the drum line and in the symphonic band I played the flute.  I wasn’t much of a jock, but all of my friends were the jocks/cheerleaders and I enjoyed my youth.  I stayed in St. Louis until I left for the land of ice known as Rick’s College (this is another story all on it’s own of how I got there).  After I got away from Rick’s without a ring on my finger I put in my mission papers and left from St. Louis to the Australia Sydney North Mission where I served for 18 months.  Upon return from my mission I moved here to Utah to attend BYU (which by the way, all the time growing up I NEVER wanted to go to BYU) and to see if things would go somewhere with a guy I had known all my life.  During that time neither of us were really feeling a more than friendship vibe and I had met Rob at a FHE activity. Rob and I went on a couple of dates and then nothing...we disagree about this part, so I’ll just leave it at that!  A month or so later Rob asked if I wanted to be hooked up with his best friend who had just gotten home from his mission...so weird right?  I obviously said no and a couple months later Rob called and asked if I wanted to go out.  I put up a bit of a fight since he had blown me off and tried to hook me up with his friend.  But he eventually wore me down to where I said yes to a date.  Eight months later we were married in the Salt Lake Temple.  Rob was raised mainly in South Jordan, he had some time in California and in West Valley.  He is the third of seven kids and the oldest son.  He went to Bingham High School, played soccer there all four years.  As a kid he played competition soccer and was very good.  Rob went on a mission to the Canada Toronto West Mission and had many great experiences there.  We worked our way through college and I received my Bachelor’s in Paralegal Studies and am currently working full time as a litigation trial paralegal for a large local firm downtown.  I love my job and the opportunities it gives me to travel and network with amazing people all over the country.  Rob received his Bachelors in Business Management with an emphasis in Human Resources.  He currently is working as the operations supervisor for Mountain America Credit Union.  As a family we enjoy going swimming, attending BYU football and Real Salt Lake soccer games, going to Disneyland and just spending time as a family.  That is Rob and I in a nutshell.  I will be introducing our children in the content of the topic of my talk.  Please be advised that I can be a crier especially when talking about such a sweet subject.  I will do my best to get through this.

From a young age I was taught the importance of having faith the the Lord Jesus Christ and to have faith that my prayers were heard and answered.  D&C  88:63 says "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.  When I would lose my toys or as I got older my keys I always pray to find them.  Believe it or not, every time I have done that those prayers have been answered.  I have always found them.  Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize that I won’t find the missing items until I do pray, and I believe that it is my Father in Heaven that is teaching me that he answers prayer.  While I was a student I would pray for help during my tests.  I would study and study but felt that my brain was a sieve and nothing was being retained.  The Lord answered those prayers and helped me to do well.  Did I always do well?  No.  Did I always put in the work?  No.  Faith without works is dead...I didn’t do my part and the Lord couldn’t bless me because of that.  I’ve pondered these experiences over my life and have come to the realization that if he will answer such small insignificant prayers, he will definitely answer the important prayers.  By these small things I have gained the testimony I have today on prayer.

When I was a teenager I lost friends to death every year of high school and the first few years of college.  I recall when my first friend died my freshman year and I was so troubled by her death.  My mom came into my room to try to comfort me during this dark hour.  Even today I can still feel those emotions I had that day.  My mom discussed the plan of salvation with me and told me that I could pray to feel peace and to pray for my friends family to feel peace during that difficult time.  I remember sobbing a prayer to my Father in Heaven asking for some reprieve from the pain I felt at the loss of my friend and that her family would feel at peace also.  In the May 2007 Ensign Elder Scott wrote the article “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer”, I”m going to share an  excerpt from his talk  "Prayer is the source of comfort, relief and protection, willingly granted by our loving, compassionate Heavenly Father. As you pray, recognize that Father in Heaven is near and he is listening. He will always hear your prayers and will invariably answer them. What God does in your life is for your eternal good. An eternal aspect of prayer is gratitude.When we contemplate the incomparable gift of prayer and the limitless blessings that flow from it, honest appreciation fills our mind and heart to overflowing with thanksgiving. . . .and for his answers that meet our needs while motivating us to grow."  The Lord answered my prayer and although my sadness was still present, I felt peace in my knowledge of the plan.  After that, my anguish was not as dark during those hard times in high school.  

When the time came for me to decide to go on a mission, I spent much time praying over this decision, as most people do.  My whole life I knew that I wanted to be a missionary but was extremely nervous about the whole thing.  I had things I had to correct and I hoped that I would be able to be a suitable servant of the Lord.  I read in Enos and found comfort in his words.  I knew that God would hear my prayers and would forgive me.  What a great verse 4 and 5 are, “And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.  And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.”  Through faith in our Savior and in prayer we can be forgiven of our sins.

While in Australia I had many opportunities to exercise faith in my prayers.  There are a few that stand out.  When I had been in Australia for about 4 months I had just moved into an area.  As I was unpacking my new companion started telling me about a woman she and her last companion had been teaching.  We both felt strongly that this woman was in need of being baptized.  We went to her home and told her of the impressions that we were having through the spirit.  She had been resistant to the idea of baptism up to this point.  We expressed to her all of the promptings of the spirit that we had sought from the Lord on what we needed to say to her so she would feel the truth of what we were telling her.  That day, after so many rejections, Meghan agreed to be baptized.  My companion and I knew that the adversary would not be kind to us or to Meghan.  We went to the Lord with this and were prompted to have a fast and that we should be 100% obedient.  It wasn’t that we were disobedient, but we weren’t always 100%.  We told the Lord that we would do whatever it would take to see Meghan be baptized.  We had scheduled her baptism for the following week and knew the week would be tough.  The adversary worked on us, on her, on her husband (who was an active member of the church), and even her toddler son.  But because of the faith and prayers of my companion, our mission president and his wife, our other leaders and myself plus the agreement we made with the Lord, Meghan was able to overcome the adversary and be baptized.  

Elder Bednar said in  his talk “Pray Always”, “Prayer is communication to Heavenly Father from His sons and daughters on earth.  As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are his children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part.  We are commanded to pray always to the Father in the name of the Son.  We are promised that if we pray sincerely for that which is right and good and in accordance with God’s will, we can be blessed, protected and directed.” http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/pray-always?lang=eng&query=pray+always

Another was an example of a wonderful family.  The Burns family had lived in northern New South Wales in a beautiful home near the beach and with quite a bit of land.  Their bishop had challenged their ward to pray for opportunities to help the missionaries find people to teach.  This sweet family did this.  They went to the Lord in faith that they would be able to help others come into the gospel.  After many days of praying for the opportunity Brother & Sister Burns were prompted to move to a small town hundreds of miles south of where they were living.  Neither one of them wanted to do this.  They loved their home and their ward, but they continued to be prompted to move.  They put their beautiful home on the market and moved to this town.  Because their house had not sold, they were forced to rent a much smaller home than they were accustomed to and to put most of their possessions into storage.  Many months later my companion and I were sent to this town to try to help build up the missionary work in this area.  It had lacked a great deal for a long time.  A few weeks after we arrived we had dinner at the Burns home.  As usual, we gave a spiritual thought and asked if they knew anyone we could teach.  They told us of their neighbor across the street and asked if we would come back by a few days later so they could introduce us in a discreet manner.  We agreed.  A few days later we were introduced to Addie.  Addie accepted the gospel during the first discussion when she was so touched by the spirit as we shared the First Vision with her.  A few weeks later she was baptized.  About 7 months after I came home she went through the temple and received her endowments.  A month after that the Burns wrote to me and told me that they were packing up and moving back to their home that they couldn’t sell in northern New South Wales.  They testified that they finally knew and understood why they were in this small remote town.  They were there to find Addie, to introduce her to the missionaries, to fellowship her until she could stand on her own feet and have other friends in the gospel and to finally see her go to the temple.  The Burns family is an amazing example to me on having faith that our Father in  Heaven will answer our prayers.  We must be willing to follow the promptings we receive to those prayers.  Addie is now a temple worker in the Sydney Temple and has repaired relationships that she never thought she would have before she was baptized.  Brother Burns indicated that he knows that the Lord didn’t really want them to sell their house, hence why it never sold...but it was a trusting that the Lord knew what was best for them and His other children.

Elder Bednar continues to say, “Revelation is communication from Heavenly Father to His children on earth.  As we ask in faith, we can receive revelation upon revelation and knowledge upon knowledge and come to know the mysteries and peaceable things that bring joy and eternal life.  The mysteries are those matters that can only be known and understood by the power of the Holy Ghost.”

I remember after I came home from my mission I went to a fireside a few days before 9/11 and President Hinckley spoke to the Young Adults giving counsel to see the positive in the world.  During his talk I wondered why he thought this was so important.  Two days later we could see why.  I recall the sadness that I felt that day, as I’m sure most of you do.  I recall my fervent prayers for those that were directly affected by the tragedies that day.  I recall our nation coming together and our President praying in faith to our Father in Heaven for our country and for all those that would have cause to mourn.  In a conference talk entitled “Prayer” Elder Eyring said this, “You have probably noticed, as I have in recent days, that prayer have not only become more numerous but more heartfelt.  Such a turning to fervent prayer when the world seems out of joint is as old as mankind.  In times of tragedy and danger, people turn to God in prayer.  Even the ancient King David would recognize what is happening.  You remember his words from the book of Psalms: “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.  And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.”  If we turn our hearts to the Lord he will bless us and will not abandon us in our time of need.  

Throughout the years we have been asked to join in fasts and to pray for individuals that are in need.  Most recently, my mission president got extremely sick.  He was put on a ventilator and his family didn’t think he would make it much longer.  His daughter reached out to the missionaries that served under him and asked that we all pray for her father.  As the request came to me I was reminded of the scripture, D&C 29:6 “And, as it is written - Whatsoever ye shall ask in faith, being united in prayer according to my command, ye shall receive.”  It has been 2 ½ weeks since we heard of president’s illness and he has made leaps and bounds on his road to recovery to the point he is off the ventilator (as of last night).  Has his journey been easy?  Not even close.  But I believe it is through the faith of those that pray for his recovery that has helped aid that process.  A couple of years ago we had a sister in our ward in Daybreak who was celebrating the birth of a beautiful baby boy and a week after his birth had a brain aneurysm.  Typically, people do not recover from things like this, I believe like my sweet mission president, that it is through the faith and prayers of righteous saints that have helped aid in their recoveries.  Does this always happen?  No.  And Rob will be discussing that portion of this topic later.

In the 10 years Rob and I have been married we have had many trials of our faith and have had to rely on the power of prayer to help us get through those times.  One of the trials we have had to face involves our son.  Six years ago I was pregnant with our first baby.  It was a bit of a stressful time for me since I wasn’t sure if I would be a great mother and definitely did not feel prepared to be a mother, great or not.  I had a pretty easy pregnancy and thought that if pregnancy was this easy I wouldn’t mind doing it again.  When I was just barely 6 months pregnant I got sick.  I didn’t know how sick I was until a week and a half later when I had two grand mal seizures which forced the delivery of our sweet son, Landon.  He was born at 27 ½ weeks weighing 1 pound 4 oz.  He lived a short half hour during which I was under anesthesia.  Rob had the awful task of telling me what had happened to our first born.  Throughout the 5 days I spent in the hospital after this event, I spent much time alone in prayer to my Father in  Heaven seeking understanding and peace.  The peace came immediately, even before my personal verbal prayers began.  I knew through the spirit that Landon was only sent here to gain a body.  His mission on this earth was complete.  And I felt and still feel honored to be the mother of one of the great and noble spirits that were too perfect to have to be tested in this life.  The understanding came much later.  

After that horrific ordeal where our son died and I almost died, Rob was a little gun shy.  Okay, he was A LOT gun shy.  He wanted nothing to do with trying to have another baby...and for good reason.  But, I couldn’t let it go.  I finally knew that I was meant to be a mother.  I knew that I wanted to try again.  It wasn’t about replacing Landon, but it was about filling a void that his death put in my heart.  I didn’t think that I could be happy again without that.  I spent many countless hours fervently praying for a miracle.  The song “He Hears Me” by Hilary Weeks describes perfectly the aching of my heart and the prayers that I spilt to my Heavenly Father.  The words are beautiful, “ Here I am again, down on my knees, And with every pleading word, Thy comfort I seek, Though the words are slow to come, My thoughts are racing by, Peace fills the room, Thy spirit is nigh, He hears me When I'm crying in the night He hears me When my soul longs to fight Till the morning will come And the light of the dawn reassures...He hears me.  Any hour, wherever I may be In the silence of an empty room, or on a crowded street Whether offering thanks, or in urgency I pray I never go unnoticed, I'm never lead astray Any whisper of the soul No matter how old Father hears the call He hears me When I'm crying in the night He hears me When my soul longs to fight Till the morning will come And the light of the dawn reassures...He hears me.”  http://youtu.be/aEJAT8MPm5A

I went to both Robs and my family, including my father who is not a member, and asked them to all fast with me that Rob would feel comfort in the idea of having another baby.  I knew what I wanted, I just needed him to want it too!  A few weeks after our fast, Rob finally agreed that we should try one more time.  The Lord heard my pleas and answered them.  

I got pregnant a few months later and my new doctor and I had the more than normal once a month visits.  I prayed continually throughout my pregnancy that the things that happened before would not be the same.  Barely into my 6th month, the same problems arose; not the siezures, but the blood pressure issues I had before.  I felt different than I had with Landon.  I felt peace that all would be okay and that the Lord would answer my prayers.  Our sweet Amelia was born at 28 weeks weighing in at 1 pound 10 oz.  Although she was small, she was a fighter and she was for the most part healthy.  Don’t get me wrong, the 63 days in the NICU were hard.  But I felt blessed because I had already been through the worst experience of my life...anything was better than that!  When Amelia was in her 4th day of life she was put back on the ventilator and I was sitting next to her isolette just praying she wouldn’t be on the vent for too much longer the Lord once again allowed me a small glimpse into the eternities of my sweet family.  I was able to understand the love Landon had for his sister, that he knew her and that the Lord knew and loved all of us.  Amelia is now a healthy 4 ½ year old and the joy of our lives!  She is still a spit fire and will always be a strong girl always out to prove to the world that she can do anything and everything she puts her mind to.  

The understanding that I sought when Landon died came when Amelia was born.  Had I not gone through that experience with Landon, we may not have ever had more children, I was pretty set on just having one (even with a good pregnancy), and had Landon survived the ordeal, I may not have had the faith to have more children.  Elder Wirthlin put it wonderfully in his talk “Come What May, and Love it”, “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing & gratitude.”  

When we have kids, we want what is best for them.  We want them to be better than we were or are.  We want them to have faith and know that there is a loving Heavenly Father and older brother, Jesus Christ that loves them without question.  That they hear and answer prayers.  We want to ensure they gain testimonies of the simple truths that are held in the Gospel.  In all of those things that I pray for when I pray regarding Amelia, I never imagined that she would be the one teaching me about having faith when we pray.

When we were teaching her to pray, we would say the same prayer over and over so that she would get the rhythm of how prayer works.  We never really talked to her about praying for specific things when the need arose.  We thought it was great that our sweet girl wanted to say the prayer by herself!  Recently, she has started saying more heart felt prayers.  She thanks her Father in Heaven for everything...she lists them nightly of the things she is grateful for that day.  When she hasn’t had a great obedience day, she prays that she will be more obedient and listen to her dad I better.  When she hears that someone is sick, she prays that they will feel better.  She prays and tells her Father in  Heaven about the love she has for her family members, and names them individually and then expresses her gratitude that she feels the love from those same people she loves.  Joy fills my heart when I hear my sweet girl pray, I can only imagine the joy our Father in Heaven feels when each of us pray.

Elder Eyring said, “With faith, we will be able to pray for what we want and appreciate whatever we get.  Only with that faith will we pray with the diligence God requires.”  

I know that our Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.  I have felt the peace the spirit brings to my soul to reassure me that He is there.  I know that Jesus Christ Lives that he loves us and that he and our Father in Heaven want us to pray to them and to trust that they know what is best for us.  The sun rises in the morning and a new day begins and the Lord is there if we will but ask.  

Annual Catch Up

I have realized what a complete slacker I have been over the last few years!  It seems that there is never the time, or I should say, I never really make the time to properly "blog" our goings on...  I can't guarantee that I will do better or that I will even try to do better, so my occasional blog should hopefully be enough to keep you entertained for at least a little while!  It seems that April General Conference always sparks in me to check our blog and do some sort of hint into our lives for others.  So, since it is that time again, here we go!

Since my entry almost 2 years ago a heap load has gone on!  We've had the joy of babies born and marriages happen!  We've cried over those we have lost.  My sweet Uncle Glenn died this past February 10.  I am happy is is finally rid of his incapable, imperfect body...but extremely sad by the loss.  I was crying for awhile and Amelia came in and asked what was wrong.  Rob told her I was sad because my uncle had died.  Amelia, being the sweet 4 year old she is, said, "Don't worry mom, he's with Heavenly Father."  What a sweet testimony of my precious girl!

My Aunt R's husband, Marty, died a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't know Marty really at all.  She married Marty while I was in college and a couple of days before my cousin Angela died.  I haven't really been home in a long time to have gotten to know him well.  I'm sad for my Aunt, and her loss.  I'm sorry for his children that have lost their father.

Amelia is a little fish!  Over the past two years she has started dance, gymnastics and swimming!  She is so smart and wonderful!  She does well at everything she puts her mind to!  I'm grateful for a wonderful little girl that brings such joy to my life!!!

The talks in Conference this past weekend were fantastic!  I am always amazed at the goodness of God.  I am truly blessed to know that God speaks to prophets today and that they give us counsel to help us be better.  One of the greatest quotes from conference that I really latched on and related to was by President Uchtdorf, he said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you."  How wonderful!  I feel like I'm continually being judged by those that really have no idea who I am or what I'm about...even people who should know but don't take the time.  I'm truly grateful for that little bit of advice!

Being a Mom

I love being a mom! I love when my sweet girl comes in to me and wants to cuddle, or kiss her owie, or help her wash her hands! One of the most fulfilling moments is my little 2 year old coming in and giving me a kiss and saying "I love you mommy." How sweet is that! It is interesting to see the things Amelia picks up on. She will get on her bike and say "Bye mom, love you, see you soon." I realized that when I drop her off in the mornings I say, "see you soon." She is amazing! I'm so lucky to have Amelia as my baby girl and am so blessed! Being a mom is an amazing job! I love the article given by Elder Russell Ballard in May 2008. There are so many wonderful quotes about motherhood in this article. He said, "Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11)."

I have taken this quote to heart many times when I am trying to get something done and Amelia wants me to go play with her or let her help me stir (even though she will make a mess). I'm grateful for this quote that keeps me in check. I know I'm not perfect at this, but I do my best to put Amelia first and to savor every moment I have with her. Here is the link to the entire article (lets hope it actually shows up, if not it is lds.org and the article title is Daughters of God) http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=9694558fcc599110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

With the death of Landon 4 years ago and of my cousin a month ago, I've realized that I don't know how long I will be blessed to have anyone (Amelia or others) in my life and taking the time to spend with those I love so I have no regrets if something happens, is what I want to do. I am continually grateful for my role as a mother and hope to be the mother to Amelia that my mother was to me. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers (whether you are a mother, aunt, grandmother, or friend).

Kelly's Baby Shower

Kelly's baby shower for Graycen was a HUGE success!!!! There was a great turn out and Kelly went home with a lot of great stuff for Graycen! My dear friend Hollie made the cake for the shower! It was fantastic! Here are some photos of the shower!  

Amelia loved having her Aunt Kelly here!  She is excited to meet her cousin, Graycen!

Kelly received shoes for Graycen from Jason's sister and mom...story behind these shoes....they were Jasons' shoes when he was a baby!  How fun that Graycen will wear his daddys shoes!

We played a fun game to see how big Kelly's belly was!  I think it was 10 squares of T.P. to get her all the way around!

Kelly also received a grundal of quilts...I wish I had family that made quilts like Jasons'....Although Kelly makes lots of quilts for Amelia!  Graycen will always be warm!

We had some of our cousins at the baby shower!  It was fun to catch up and see everyone!

A Tribute

My sweet cousin, Leslea, started to write a song when her sister Angela died in a terrible car accident in 1997. She finished it last night during her grieving for our cousin Julie. It is the most beautiful song I think I've heard in a long time. It brings the spirit and touches my heart, I believe the way Leslea intended for it to be. It is going to be my new theme song. Hopefully I will be able to live up to the words. They are as follows:
I'll send you the words.
You took my breath away
The face of a mortal turning angel
And the tears began to show
Oh I couldn't let you go
So I held your hand,
and I promised you over again.
I won't let you down
I won't let you down
Take this air I would have breathed
Let it left your wings
Fly, fly
You took my breath away
May your laugh and smile
Descend from heaven
will you whisper in my ear?
Sing a song that will wipe away my tears?
When the days are hard to bare
I pray you'll let me know you're here.
Waiting on an angel
Want to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon cause I don't want to go alone
You have your breath
Away you left to fulfill a higher calling
Oh we pray to find our way.
So that we will be together someday.
Oh our hearts are turned to you
Teach us all that we should do
We won't let you down
Please don't let us down
We'll take the air you'll give to breath we'll let it lift our wings to fly fly fly

Life...

It never amazes me the way the Lord refines us. As I went throughout the day thinking about my sweet boy, I felt peace. Rob, Amelia and I went to his grave to wish a happy birthday. This is my way to keep him fresh in my mind and in the minds of our little family. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he is ever really far from our thoughts. I got through the day feeling quite well. Then, my mother called at 10:30 pm. What mother does that? Something was wrong. My sweet cousin, Julie, was killed today. She was crossing a train track where there are no booms or lights and she was hit by a train. I am in shock. I know that this is part of life...death. It's part of the plan. It sucks and it hurts, but how it brings up so many pains. My heart aches for my own loss of a gorgeous cousin who I love. But it aches for my aunt as she deals with the loss of her little girl. They don't have the knowledge of the plan as I do and I can only pray for them. Please keep her family in your prayers. Until we meet again my sweet cousin. I love you.

Amelia's Song Writing

Yesterday I got a call from Amelia's child care provider. Amelia was in the other room singing "I go poopy in my diaper and my mommy says no!" Were do kids come up with these things! I had to laugh! Amelia my song writer!

4 years...

Can you believe it? It has been four years since our sweet Landon spent a short 35 minutes on this earth and then returned to our Heavenly Father. Life seems to take us and keep us going on and yet these experiences seem to make a few things seem like mere moments since the event happened. I was talking with a friend at work and we both just couldn't really believe it has been four years. Since losing Landon a lot has changed in our lives and a lot of lessons learned.

One of the first things I learned through that whole experience is that we (you and I) can get through anything that is put in our path. Over the years and various conversations people will say, "I could never handle going through something like that" or "I would die myself if that happened to me." You would be surprised that time goes on and if you allow it, your pain starts to heal and you are able to find happyness. Through these dark times we learn what we are made of and what our knowledge truly is. We sometimes go through the motions saying we believe in something or we know something is true, but when the hard times come, we find out if what we really say we really believe. Kind of like the wise man and the foolish man. With the help of a loving Heavenly Father and through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can get through anything. I am frequently reminded of the feelings of peace I received from the Spirit of the Lord those days following our sweet boys death. I recall my heart ache (which at times is so raw as if it just happened) but as the heart ache seaps in, I am reassured by the Spirit that all is how it should be and that the Lord has a purpose for all. Perhaps one of Landon's purposes was to teach me that the Lord is over all and will sustain us in our darkest hour. The plan of salvation is true and I have built my knowledge of this upon the rock like the wise man.
The second thing I learned is what a blessing parenthood is. Prior to getting pregnant with Landon, I was not really wanting to have kids and didn't think that I would want to have any. My pregnancy was not a surprise at all, it was fully planned, but I had great reservations about the whole parenthood idea. After losing Landon, and feeling the immense love for him, I realized that I was now part of the special club of mothers. Yes, it didn't feel complete without having my baby to hold and love, but I was now a mother. And...I loved that title. Because of my experience with Landon I wanted to have more children. Thank you my sweet boy for giving that to me.
The third thing I learned is how to be grateful. I was really sick at the time when Landon was born. I didn't realize how sick I really was...but looking back, I was sick. Our loving Heavenly Father preserved my life and although I have memory issues (not sure if it is related...but you never know) I have no real lasting medical issues from this sickness. I'm grateful that I have such wonderful people that loved us and supported us during that hard time. I'm grateful for our families that came and bouyed us up. I'm grateful for a husband who allowed me to mourn in my way, even though it was different from his way. I'm grateful for friends who still remember and pray for me to get through the day. I'm grateful that I work for such amazing people who supported me and let me cry when I needed to because it was so overwhelming. I'm grateful that unlike some women, I was able to get pregnant again. I am just grateful.
The fourth thing that I have learned is to be compassionate to others. It has surprised me since losing Landon how many people out there deal with these types of things and we never quite see it. Don't get me wrong...I do not have the compassion down like others, but I do have tender feelings towards those that have lost a child or children. I am frequently brought to a thought of a woman in my fourth area on my mission who had lost a child. I don't know the circumstances, nor do I remember this sweet sisters name. I only remember when she mentioned in it Relief Society that I was shocked that she would talk so openly about it anywhere and thought it to be a bit awkward. Since losing Landon I've come to realize why she did that...its a great way to keep their memory alive. A great way to remind yourself that you went through this huge event and that there are people around that do remember. I am grateful for the example of that great sister. I've also found since we lost Landon that I've had the opportunity to pass if forward to others. My sweet friend Jenn and her sweet family lost their little girl a year and a half ago two days after she was born. I still remember those days, almost as clearly as the day we lost Landon. It was heart breaking, but how I was grateful that I could be a support to someone else. Then my sweet MTC companion lost her little girl hours after her birth about a year ago. Again, my heart ached as it did the day I lost Landon. I think that the Lord gave me the opportunity to serve others that are now going through what I have already gone through. Yes, the circumstances are very different, but the heart ache is the same...a mother losing a child. I have a greater respect for the prophet Joseph Smith and his wife. They lost so many children and yet remained faithful to God.
I've learned to serve. With Landon, I wasn't exactly sure how I would help others. But after having Amelia it was made a bit more clear. I volunteer at the NICU. I've had some great opportunities to meet some wonderful mothers and to hopefully lift them up. I've met mothers that have lost their babies too and just being able to talk has helped me and I only hope it has helped them. The more I serve the more I feel closer to my boy.
I've also learned that families are forever. I know that Landon is part of our forever family and that we will be together again. I know that he loves his sister because of sweet, tender moments when the Spirit has allowed me to feel these things. It is an unbelievable feeling to know the feelings between my children. Amelia will periodically speak of Landon (in 2 year old talk), and she is so sweet about him. I have a bear on the bookshelf next to his picture and I asked her if she wanted to hold it the other day, and she said, "No mom, that's Landons." I told her that he wouldn't mind if she held the bear and she was having none of it, it is her brothers. I wonder if she would be that way if he was here!
I'm sure you are getting tired of all my learning...but here is an important one and then I'll stop the crazy rambling of this mother! I learned that the greatest thing we can do is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and if we place all things in his hands, we can and will get through anything. The inspirational/spiritual thought that talks about the footprints in the sand, is so true. During our hardest times, Jesus Christ carries us until we are strong enough to stand on our own.
Because of Landon, I have Amelia. No, I won't be able to physically have any more children, but I have two. I have my angel, my sweet Landon who has helped me learn much and my darling miracle who also helps me learn much.
I am a blessed mother. I am overwhelmed with the love our Father in Heaven and Savior offers me. Do I still ache for my boy? Absoluetly. Am I okay? You bet! I have angels round about me holding me up on those days that I think I can't handle any more. Do I wish I could see what my 4 year old would look like and what he would be doing? I'd be crazy not to! But, I know his mission on this earth was merely to gain a body and touch our lives for good...and with that he was able to accomplish that in a short 1/2 hour. I know that God lives, I know that Jesus is the Christ and I know families are forever.

Disneyland 2010

We spent a wonderful week in Southern California a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! I appreciated the time off of work and the opportunity to see Amelia see and enjoy the "happiest place on earth"!!! Right before our trip, Rob was let go from US Bank. Luckily this trip was thought out and planned prior to this unfortunate turn of events and the trip was pretty much paid for already!
We went to Disneyland for four days and spent a lot of time waiting in lines to meet various characters! Unlike our last Disneyland trip, Amelia loved seeing the characters. It was wonderful to see her face light up to see Mickey Mouse, Tinkerbell, Jasmine and Ariel (among a few). Amelia was a complete joy the entire trip and Rob and I basked in the joy she brings to us and how pleasant she makes our trips. We drove to California, a long 9 1/2 hour drive and Amelia was happy the entire way! Can you think of any 2 year old that does that?!?!? We are truly blessed!
I'm attaching a few photos of Amelia with her favorite characters and some of the three of us enjoying this time together! Rob's sister and her family were also there and it was fun to spend times with them too!

Hawaii Part II

I know this is a bit later than my last post, but it has been crazy! So here is our second half of our trip!
So, we had so much fun spending time with Kelly & Jason on a road trip up to the northern part of the island.






There were many specatular views and scenic sites on our little road trip down a one lane dirt road....








Amelia spent much of the time wanting to pose for pictures, she started saying "cheese" on this trip and wanted to keep looking at her photos!!






We took a hike to the "Blow Hole". It was so cool!!! Amelia was a bit afraid of it, and it was possibly the sound of the ocean...and right now I think I just realized I may have mentioned this before...oh well...more photos!


























Then there was the beach...oh the beach...although I'm not a big fan of sand being anywhere but on the ground, it was exceptional! The water was perfect, the sun was amazing, snorkeling phenomenal and Amelia loved every minute of it!!! Oh...how I wish we could still be sitting on the beach!!

Hawaii Part I

We went to Hawaii for the first time in November! Of course, we took Amelia with us and she absolutely loved it!! Every morning she woke up asking to go to the ocean and see the fish! Aaron, Chris & Lily came from Korea, Pete & Hilary, Kelly & Jason and then my dad and Vicki were all there with us.

Maui was beautiful and we had a wonderful time with my sisters and their husbands. It showed me how much I miss my sisters. Amelia made the trip! Watching her take in all the new things that come with being in Hawaii was amazing! She was so good and happy the entire trip! She was a real trooper when we went looking at nature made wonders and was so happy to just be there! This is definitely a place that we will go back to! We loved Hawaii!!!! So, here are some photos from our fun trip!

We started the trip with a very long flight from Salt Lake to Maui. Amelia was an excellent traveller! She loved being on the airplane! She saw the lights and although it was dark outside, she just wanted to watch the lights. She slept most of the way from LAX to Maui, but when she was awake she was happy! We are so lucky to have such a great little girl as our daughter!!!


Our first morning in Maui was so wonderful! We walked from our B&B to the beach (about two blocks) so we could show Amelia the ocean. She loved the idea of the ocean, but was a bit scared of it. Once seeing it she wanted to be there all day...but did not want to go in!


This was the first sunrise we watched. Yes, the sun was rising behind us...but the ocean was so beautiful from our vantage point and so I couldn't help it! We loved sitting on the beach watching the day begin! Why don't I live there?????
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We met up with my family that morning and hung out at the pool of their hotel. Amelia was so happy to see her Aunt Kelly! She wanted to swim and play with Aunt Kelly & Uncle Jason!






She also enjoyed spending time with Lily also, even though Lily did pinch her and pull her hair!!


Our second morning in Maui we went to the city center. There is an amazing tree there! The tree grew and then roots grew from the branches down to the ground, it was one of the most phenomenal plant I have ever seen! That morning the community was holding a swap meet of sorts selling homemade items. It was such a wonderful morning! We found some Christmas ornaments to mark our trip! I just love Maui!



As mentioned above Amelia was a trooper on our site seeing adventures!! Our first stop was the "Blow Hole". This is a nature made water spray (like a blow hole of a whale). Amelia liked this froma distance, but I believe that she was a little afraid of the noise of the ocean!

On our way to the blow hole Kelly noticed a heart in one of the rocks, so of course we all had to have a photo with it. I'd like to think that it was just a natural occurance!






Our next stop was a waterfall...it was so hard to find. We were all anticipating this large waterfall, but that is not what we found, so with the use of digital cameras we made it much bigger than it was!!!