4 years...

Can you believe it? It has been four years since our sweet Landon spent a short 35 minutes on this earth and then returned to our Heavenly Father. Life seems to take us and keep us going on and yet these experiences seem to make a few things seem like mere moments since the event happened. I was talking with a friend at work and we both just couldn't really believe it has been four years. Since losing Landon a lot has changed in our lives and a lot of lessons learned.

One of the first things I learned through that whole experience is that we (you and I) can get through anything that is put in our path. Over the years and various conversations people will say, "I could never handle going through something like that" or "I would die myself if that happened to me." You would be surprised that time goes on and if you allow it, your pain starts to heal and you are able to find happyness. Through these dark times we learn what we are made of and what our knowledge truly is. We sometimes go through the motions saying we believe in something or we know something is true, but when the hard times come, we find out if what we really say we really believe. Kind of like the wise man and the foolish man. With the help of a loving Heavenly Father and through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can get through anything. I am frequently reminded of the feelings of peace I received from the Spirit of the Lord those days following our sweet boys death. I recall my heart ache (which at times is so raw as if it just happened) but as the heart ache seaps in, I am reassured by the Spirit that all is how it should be and that the Lord has a purpose for all. Perhaps one of Landon's purposes was to teach me that the Lord is over all and will sustain us in our darkest hour. The plan of salvation is true and I have built my knowledge of this upon the rock like the wise man.
The second thing I learned is what a blessing parenthood is. Prior to getting pregnant with Landon, I was not really wanting to have kids and didn't think that I would want to have any. My pregnancy was not a surprise at all, it was fully planned, but I had great reservations about the whole parenthood idea. After losing Landon, and feeling the immense love for him, I realized that I was now part of the special club of mothers. Yes, it didn't feel complete without having my baby to hold and love, but I was now a mother. And...I loved that title. Because of my experience with Landon I wanted to have more children. Thank you my sweet boy for giving that to me.
The third thing I learned is how to be grateful. I was really sick at the time when Landon was born. I didn't realize how sick I really was...but looking back, I was sick. Our loving Heavenly Father preserved my life and although I have memory issues (not sure if it is related...but you never know) I have no real lasting medical issues from this sickness. I'm grateful that I have such wonderful people that loved us and supported us during that hard time. I'm grateful for our families that came and bouyed us up. I'm grateful for a husband who allowed me to mourn in my way, even though it was different from his way. I'm grateful for friends who still remember and pray for me to get through the day. I'm grateful that I work for such amazing people who supported me and let me cry when I needed to because it was so overwhelming. I'm grateful that unlike some women, I was able to get pregnant again. I am just grateful.
The fourth thing that I have learned is to be compassionate to others. It has surprised me since losing Landon how many people out there deal with these types of things and we never quite see it. Don't get me wrong...I do not have the compassion down like others, but I do have tender feelings towards those that have lost a child or children. I am frequently brought to a thought of a woman in my fourth area on my mission who had lost a child. I don't know the circumstances, nor do I remember this sweet sisters name. I only remember when she mentioned in it Relief Society that I was shocked that she would talk so openly about it anywhere and thought it to be a bit awkward. Since losing Landon I've come to realize why she did that...its a great way to keep their memory alive. A great way to remind yourself that you went through this huge event and that there are people around that do remember. I am grateful for the example of that great sister. I've also found since we lost Landon that I've had the opportunity to pass if forward to others. My sweet friend Jenn and her sweet family lost their little girl a year and a half ago two days after she was born. I still remember those days, almost as clearly as the day we lost Landon. It was heart breaking, but how I was grateful that I could be a support to someone else. Then my sweet MTC companion lost her little girl hours after her birth about a year ago. Again, my heart ached as it did the day I lost Landon. I think that the Lord gave me the opportunity to serve others that are now going through what I have already gone through. Yes, the circumstances are very different, but the heart ache is the same...a mother losing a child. I have a greater respect for the prophet Joseph Smith and his wife. They lost so many children and yet remained faithful to God.
I've learned to serve. With Landon, I wasn't exactly sure how I would help others. But after having Amelia it was made a bit more clear. I volunteer at the NICU. I've had some great opportunities to meet some wonderful mothers and to hopefully lift them up. I've met mothers that have lost their babies too and just being able to talk has helped me and I only hope it has helped them. The more I serve the more I feel closer to my boy.
I've also learned that families are forever. I know that Landon is part of our forever family and that we will be together again. I know that he loves his sister because of sweet, tender moments when the Spirit has allowed me to feel these things. It is an unbelievable feeling to know the feelings between my children. Amelia will periodically speak of Landon (in 2 year old talk), and she is so sweet about him. I have a bear on the bookshelf next to his picture and I asked her if she wanted to hold it the other day, and she said, "No mom, that's Landons." I told her that he wouldn't mind if she held the bear and she was having none of it, it is her brothers. I wonder if she would be that way if he was here!
I'm sure you are getting tired of all my learning...but here is an important one and then I'll stop the crazy rambling of this mother! I learned that the greatest thing we can do is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and if we place all things in his hands, we can and will get through anything. The inspirational/spiritual thought that talks about the footprints in the sand, is so true. During our hardest times, Jesus Christ carries us until we are strong enough to stand on our own.
Because of Landon, I have Amelia. No, I won't be able to physically have any more children, but I have two. I have my angel, my sweet Landon who has helped me learn much and my darling miracle who also helps me learn much.
I am a blessed mother. I am overwhelmed with the love our Father in Heaven and Savior offers me. Do I still ache for my boy? Absoluetly. Am I okay? You bet! I have angels round about me holding me up on those days that I think I can't handle any more. Do I wish I could see what my 4 year old would look like and what he would be doing? I'd be crazy not to! But, I know his mission on this earth was merely to gain a body and touch our lives for good...and with that he was able to accomplish that in a short 1/2 hour. I know that God lives, I know that Jesus is the Christ and I know families are forever.